35 things it has taken me 35 years to learn (or 35 of the craziest things I’ve read on Snapple caps)

-If you try to please everyone, no one will be happy, especially yourself.
-Never try to vaccinate a cat while a dust buster is running.
-It’s always funny until someone gets hurt.  Then it’s funnier.
-Never view something as a failure.  Just remember you learned what doesn’t work.
-Everyone has an enemy.  That’s why God gave us baseball bats.  Well, technically, God gave us trees but, we know what He meant.
-Friends teach you what you want to know. Enemies teach you what you need to know.
-Do not wait for the “perfect body” to wear the pretty under garments.  Just go for it.
-Bravery is not the absence of fear.  It’s believing something else is more important.
-Always deal fairly and ethically with others, even if they do not do so for you.
-The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most money, the most credentials or the most awards; they are the ones that care.
-Surround yourself with people who inspire you to be the best version of yourself.
-Burn your very pretty, brand name over priced super smelly candles.  If you don’t, they just turn to a pile of gooey crap in the back of your closet.
-Revenge is great.  It’s also what separates us from the animals and hippies.
-Live your life so that as adults, your children will choose to be  your friend.
-People will always surprise you, animals are very predictable.  There is value in both.
-Some times you have to be flat on your back to see stars.
-Often when you least want to offer your honesty, integrity and cooperation is when it’s most critical you do so.  Be more than you are.
-Never let another person’s bad behavior, poor planning and lack of manners dictate your actions.
-I love my friends.  I love my money.  Both have a lot in common.  They are both difficult to earn, require care, thought and maintenance, and are easy to lose.  Wise investments lead to beautiful profit margins.  A moment of recklessness can cause you to lose everything.  You can never take out more than you put in without serious penalty fees.  Interest and value increase the longer you maintain the bond.
-“Simple” and “easy” are not synonyms.
-Always carry a book.  That way when you suddenly have an unexpected long wait, you will not be forced to waste your time or become impatient with those around you.
-Everyone you  meet has something to teach you.  Speak less, observe more.
-You only regret the chances you didn’t take.  I’ve never had anyone say to me “….so I just sat there on my hands in total confusion and terror and let me tell you, my life is so much better for it.”
-When giving ocular or oral medication to a cat, save yourself the hassle; put everything into a water pistol.  This way you can also pretend you’re Doc Holliday at the O.K. Corral.  Minus all the tuberculosis and heavy gambling. (OK OK, I get it I know Wyatt Earp was the hero and all but I really preferred Val Kilmer’s performance to Kurt Russel’s um-kay?)
-The most amazing things can come from some terrible nights. (OK, that’s not mine, it’s from the group “FUN” but it’s still true.)
-Whether in loving, healing, learning or forgiveness; organic beings need one thing.  It can be neither revoked nor altered nor disregarded.  This, above all things, is time.
-Forgive your enemies.  This always seems to annoy the crap out of them.
-Don’t judge people by their covers.  After all, most of us are books still being written.
-Free will is the mistaken belief we are not bound by the chain of events.
-I once saw a bumper stick that said “It is what it is” which comes out to the same thing as not having that sticker.  I hate bumper stickers.  I think we would all agree it’s more classy to fill the in-box of your family and friends (or fill up blog space) with a list of snarky witticisms you thought were funny while throwing back a couple of long island ice teas.
-Never bite off more than you can chew.  No one looks attractive spitting it all back up.
-No matter how many plans you make or how much control you think you have, remember; life is winging it.
-Experience is a hard teacher.  The test comes first, the lesson second.
-A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
-My children are the product of my parents’ proverbial curse “I hope someday you have a couple kids just like you!”  All I want to say is first: “Yeeeeeah.  Thanks a lot for that.” And second,  “Mom, I am really really really sorry.  Really REALLY sooooooooooo deeply sorry.” Genetics are so friggin’ magical I think I could just spit and die!
Ohhhh.  C’mon gang!  I’m not a philosopher, I just call ’em like I see ’em.  Happy Jen’s Birthday!XOXOX

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